A look at the hormonal rollercoaster that turns sleep into fiction, moods into mayhem, and you into your most unfiltered, fabulous self.
Ah, perimenopause. That magical time in your life when your body, once a relatively predictable and reliable vessel, suddenly decides to throw a surprise party every day – and the theme is “chaos.”
You wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and think: Who replaced my reflection with a slightly anxious, slightly bloated version of my mum in 1993?
But don’t worry – it’s not just you. It’s hormones, baby. And they’ve decided they no longer want to play nice.
Sleep is for the Weak
Remember sleep? That sweet, uninterrupted, melatonin-fuelled bliss that used to happen between 10pm and 6am?
Yeah. Not anymore. Now you wake up at 2:14am for no reason whatsoever. Not because of noise. Not because of a full bladder. Just… because.
You lie there, staring at the ceiling, pondering every decision you’ve ever made since Year 7. Should you have kept doing piano? Why did you tell that joke at the work Christmas party in 2006? Is beige a personality?
And just when you start drifting off again… BAM. Night sweats. Congratulations, you’re now a human kettle.
Hot Flashes – Because Spontaneous Combustion is Fun
Speaking of sweat, let’s talk about your new favourite party trick – hot flashes.
They hit you like a freight train. One minute you’re fine, the next you’re peeling off layers like a budget striptease in the middle of Woolies.
You could be holding a casual conversation about parking fines, and suddenly you’re fanning yourself with a receipt and asking if someone’s turned on a heat lamp.
Spoiler: they haven’t. It’s just your internal thermostat having an existential crisis.
Mood Swings – Because Emotional Stability is Overrated
You cry during insurance commercials. You rage because someone left a teaspoon in the sink. You laugh like a maniac for absolutely no reason.
Basically, you’re a walking emotional piñata, and every day is a surprise. But hey – at least you’re never boring.
And if it ever starts to feel like too much, talking to a psychologist can be a genuinely helpful way to ride the waves. No shame. No judgment. Just support.
Your Period is Playing Hide and Seek
Is it here? Is it late? Is it early? Is it skipping this month altogether because it wants to keep things spicy? Who knows!
It’s like your uterus is now managed by a drunk DJ randomly spinning the cycle wheel. Will it be two days of gentle spotting or a five-day bloodbath requiring a sandbag perimeter and a change of address? There’s no way to tell. It’s a lucky dip, and you forgot your ticket.
Brain Fog and the Case of the Missing Words
You walk into a room and forget why. You try to say “microwave” but instead say “food… hot… box thing.” You used to run meetings, manage logistics, raise children – now you get excited when you remember where you parked the car.
You’re not losing it. You’re just rewiring. Badly.
The Upside? You’re a Force of Nature
Yes, perimenopause is a hormonal game of Whac-A-Mole – but you’re surviving it. No, scratch that. You’re rocking it.
You’ve lived through bad perms, shoulder pads, dial-up internet, and those questionable early-2000s fashion choices. You’ve raised kids, juggled jobs, kept the wheels turning, and done the emotional heavy lifting of a dozen therapists. Perimenopause could at times be a battle of women’s mental health of which you have gone through the worst, but that doesn’t mean asking for the right help when you need it makes you any weaker.
You’re strong, hilarious, and probably carrying emergency snacks. You’re a woman – bold, brilliant, and occasionally unpredicatable.
So pour yourself a calming tea, take a breath, and remember – perimenopause might be wild, but so are you.
And when in doubt, just shrug, smile, and take your jumper off in the middle of the supermarket. Because frankly, you’ve earned the right to do whatever makes you feel better.
